My 4-year-old has an imaginary friend. Is that normal?
Yes, and it's a good sign. Many children between three and seven have one, and they tend to be imaginative, sociable kids. Set an extra plate if asked. It costs nothing and buys a lot of goodwill.
What's behind it
At four, the line between pretend and real is still soft, and your child knows it better than you'd think. Ask whether Bobo is real and most will give you a look and say "No, he's pretend." They're not confused. They're playing, hard.
An imaginary friend has jobs. He's company when the day is boring. He's brave when your child isn't. He's the one who spilled the juice, a four-year-old's first attempt at handling guilt. And he's a safe way to try out feelings: Bobo is scared of the new daycare, Bobo is angry at the baby. Listen to what Bobo says; it's often your child talking.
What it is not: a sign of loneliness, a problem with reality, or something you have to end. Most imaginary friends leave on their own, usually by seven, often without a goodbye. Children who've had one tend to be good at stories and at understanding other people.
Play along lightly. You don't have to believe, but you can be polite. When Bobo gets blamed for the juice, you can say "Then Bobo and you can clean it up together." Don't use the friend to manipulate ("Bobo wants you to eat your peas"); that spoils the game. Firstborns and only children have them more often, which makes sense. Someone has to play.
Try this week
- Ask your child three questions about the friend: what they look like, what they're afraid of, what they're good at.
- When the friend gets the blame this week, have the two of them fix it together instead of arguing about who did it.
- Let your child draw the friend and put the picture on the fridge; it's a window into what's on their mind.
When to get help
Talk to your pediatrician or a child psychologist if your child seems frightened by the imaginary friend, if the friend tells them to do harmful things, if your child seems unable to tell fantasy from reality in other areas, or if the friend appears together with withdrawal from real people, a sudden change in behavior, or after a distressing event.
In the app for this
- Free · PlusMila at 3 am: ask whether it's normal, she knows your child's age and says plainly when it's time for the pediatrician.
- Free · PlusPractices for the early years: «A bedtime without rushing», «Three small moments a day», «The five-minute warning».
- FreeA baby on the way? The Parents School: nine months, 27 lessons, month 1 free.
Free is free for good. Plus opens the whole map, all cards, games and practices.
Mila knows these answers, and your kids
The free family check takes five minutes. After that, Mila answers with your children's names and ages in mind, and the map gives you one thing to try this week.
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