Since the separation our child moves between two homes and is unsettled. Is that normal?
Yes. Changing homes every few days is work for a child, and the first months are the hardest: tears at the handover, a wild evening after, a baby-like clinginess that was gone. Children settle when the two homes agree on a few things, the handover is calm, and nobody has to be a messenger.
What's behind it
A child in two homes is not confused about who their parents are. They're tired. Every change means a different bed, different rules about screens, a different way the evening goes, and a child's whole system has to recalibrate, which shows up as the wild hour after the handover or the tears before it. That's adjustment, not damage, and what research on separated families keeps finding is this: how well children do depends far less on the schedule than on how much conflict they're exposed to and whether the basics line up. So the three things worth agreeing on, even with an ex you can barely talk to, are small: bedtime, roughly; screens, roughly; and that the child never carries messages, money or complaints from one home to the other. The handover itself should be short and dull: the same place, the same words, the bag packed the night before, no discussion of anything adult in front of the child. And in each home, the first evening is for arriving, not for homework or for questions about the other house. A small ritual helps more than you'd think: the same soup, the same book, a photo of the other parent allowed on the shelf. Children can love two homes. What they can't do is be the bridge.
Try this week
- Write the other parent two lines, nothing else: the bedtime and the screen rule you'd like to match. Ask for theirs. Match on one.
- On the next handover day, pack the bag the night before and say the same five words at the door. No adult topics within earshot.
- Make the first evening back a soft one: the same simple dinner each time, no homework, one book. Let the wild hour be wild.
When to get help
Talk to a family counsellor or your pediatrician if the unsettledness hasn't eased after a few months, if your child refuses to go to the other home with real fear rather than reluctance, wets the bed again for weeks, or says things that suggest they're being asked to take sides or keep secrets. Mediation helps parents who can't agree; it's not a defeat, it's a tool.
In the app for this
- FreeThe handover between two homes: six short sections, a status, a reply, open points carry over. Free for both parents.
- FreeThe weekly plan with week A and week B, so alternating weeks don't need a second plan.
- Free · PlusThe parents' question cards work in both homes, in each parent's own language.
Free is free for good. Plus opens the whole map, all cards, games and practices.
Mila knows these answers, and your kids
The free family check takes five minutes. After that, Mila answers with your children's names and ages in mind, and the map gives you one thing to try this week.
Start the free family checkParents also ask
My kids fight with each other all the time. Is that normal?
Yes. Siblings fight a lot, and the ones who fight are often also the ones who play together for hours. Your job isn't to end every fight. It's to keep it fair and keep it safe.
My child wants screens all the time and melts down when I turn them off. Is that normal?
Yes. Screens are built to be hard to stop, and children have less braking power than we do. The meltdown at the off button is normal. It's also the moment you can change most easily.
My child screamed "I hate you!" at me. Is that normal?
Yes. Nearly every parent hears it, and it hurts every time. It doesn't mean what it says. It means "I'm furious and you're the one person I'm sure will still be here in the morning."
How much allowance is normal at seven?
Less than you think, and more regularly than you think. A small, fixed amount every week, paid on the same day whether the room was tidy or not, teaches more than a larger sum that depends on your mood. The amount matters less than the rule: it's theirs, they can waste it, and you don't top it up.