My 12-year-old answers every question with "fine." Is that normal?
Completely normal, and not a sign that the door is closed for good. At twelve, "fine" mostly means "I'm building a room of my own, and I'm tired." The way in is sideways, not head-on.
What's behind it
Around this age children start keeping some of their world to themselves. That's not rejection, it's construction. They're working out who they are when you're not watching. A little distance from parents is part of the blueprint.
"How was school?" also happens to be a terrible question. It's huge, it's vague, and after seven hours of school it sounds like a request for a report. "Fine" is the honest answer to a question that's too big.
Smaller and stranger works better. "What was the most boring moment today?" "Who did you sit with at lunch?" "Did anyone get in trouble?" Even better is no eye contact at all. Twelve-year-olds talk in the car, while chopping onions, on a walk with the dog, and mysteriously at 10 pm when you want to go to bed. Side by side is the magic position.
When something does come out, listen more than you advise. Don't gasp, don't fix, don't worry out loud, or the door shuts again. Be curious about their music and games without the eye-roll. And go first sometimes: tell them about your day, including the part where you messed up. Connection at this age is built in dozens of small, low-stakes moments. Not in one big talk.
Try this week
- Replace "How was school?" with one oddly specific question each evening this week.
- Do one task side by side, like cooking or a drive, and don't ask anything; just see what comes.
- Tell them about something that went wrong in your own day, before you ask about theirs.
When to get help
Talk to your pediatrician or a psychologist if the withdrawal comes with lasting sadness or irritability, loss of interest in things they used to love, big changes in sleep, eating or grades, avoiding all friends, signs of self-harm, or any talk of not wanting to live. Take any mention of suicide seriously and seek help the same day.
In the app for this
- Free · PlusQuestion cards for ages 8 to 17, for example «What's everyone your age into right now that we clearly don't get? Explain it slowly.»
- Free · Plus«Who is the spy?» and the reflection round «The mistake of the day», for a Friday evening with one phone on the table.
- Free · PlusThe map step «Talks without eye contact»: the car, the kitchen, the dog walk.
Free is free for good. Plus opens the whole map, all cards, games and practices.
Mila knows these answers, and your kids
The free family check takes five minutes. After that, Mila answers with your children's names and ages in mind, and the map gives you one thing to try this week.
Start the free family checkParents also ask
My 9-year-old has hardly any friends. Is that normal?
Often, yes. Some children need one good friend, not a crowd, and at nine friendships shift all the time. The question isn't how many. It's whether your child is content, and whether they have a way in when they want one.
My kids fight with each other all the time. Is that normal?
Yes. Siblings fight a lot, and the ones who fight are often also the ones who play together for hours. Your job isn't to end every fight. It's to keep it fair and keep it safe.
How much allowance is normal at seven?
Less than you think, and more regularly than you think. A small, fixed amount every week, paid on the same day whether the room was tidy or not, teaches more than a larger sum that depends on your mood. The amount matters less than the rule: it's theirs, they can waste it, and you don't top it up.
Since the separation our child moves between two homes and is unsettled. Is that normal?
Yes. Changing homes every few days is work for a child, and the first months are the hardest: tears at the handover, a wild evening after, a baby-like clinginess that was gone. Children settle when the two homes agree on a few things, the handover is calm, and nobody has to be a messenger.